Crossing the Mason-Diction Line

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Crossing the Mason-Diction Line

It was the 1991 Poulan Weedeater Independence Bowl between the Universities of Georgia and Arkansas, the Dawgs and Hawgs respectively.

One would think television people wouldn't have a problem repeating the above paragraph correctly, but that hasn't been the case, and so once again I must assume my role as Slim Pickens, Professor of Speaking Correctly.

Let us begin with Poulan. A local announcer pronouned it POH-land, as in the Eastern European country. (Not as in the recession-ridden United States.) It's POO-lahn, I think. What the announcer should have done anyway is not try to say Poulan at all, but simply call it the Weedeater Bowl.

I like a football game named after such an aggressive piece of equipment as the weedeater. A coach could say, "Boys, they're grass and we're a bunch of souped-up Weedeaters."

Coaches say things like that, as well as things like, "Remember, boys, they put their pants on one leg at a time, just like we do."

Whenever a coach said something like that to me, I always thought, "Well, I guess so. Who the hell could jump into a pair of pants two legs at a time?" I'm certain it's POO-lahn, and if it's not, it should be. The professor has the last word.

Now, to Dawgs and Hawgs.

A dawg is a Southern man's best friend, as in, "That dawg'll hunt."

A hawg is Southern for, "You can lead a hawg to water, but all he'll try to do is waller in it."

But I was watching a network telecast of the Atlanta-New Orleans NFL playoff game recently and one of the announcers was hyping the telecast of the Independence Bowl. It came out: "It's the Dugs and Hugs in the Independence Bowl."

It was obvious the announcer wasn't, as they used to say back home, "from 'round heah," which basically meant he was a Northerner.

Read my lips: "Dawwwwwgs." Put your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Then bring it down forcibly and spit out "Dawwwwwgs" by forming the mouth into a circle. If it comes out a little nasal, more the better.

For "Hawwwwwgs," it comes from deep in the throat as in "Haw!" Pretend you're spitting out a bad oyster. Some announcers also say the Atlanta "FALL-cuns." It's "FOWL-cans." And they saw "aw-BURN" when they should pronounce it "AW-bun."

Television, I believe, is responsible for the slow disappearance of all sorts of accents in this country. I'm afraid one day everybody will sound alike, and that would be a shame.

Professor Grizzard would be out of work, and who would care about an athletic event between the Dugs and Hugs? Sounds more like an encounter group than a bunch of fired-up weedeaters trying to take each other's heads off, which builds character both on and off the field.

The Dawgs and Hawgs. It's a Southern thing. The rest of y'all just wouldn't understand.

--Lewis Grizzard