Manning's Face Found on Mars :: The Anti-Orange Page ::

"We have discovered the image of Peyton Manning on the surface of the planet Mars," said Dr. John Shefield, a distinguished member of the University of Tennessee's astrophysics staff. "The older pictures had us wondering, but now....my God! It's proof!"

Original photographs from the 1976 Viking Orbiter were inconclusive, but the latest round of much clearer images has ended the silence of many Volunteer believers.

"It just goes to show you that ancient celestial visitors to the fourth planet knew a hell of a lot more about college football than those damned yahoos who vote on the Heisman," said McMinnville, TN resident Chip Pruitt. "You don't see Charles friggin' Woodson's image on a heavenly body, do you? You think you're going to find Danny Wuerffel's face beaming down from the moon?"

Johnson City, TN's Max Pryor agreed. "If those alien travelers had the wisdom to make an everlasting monument to #16, you'd think those Yankee voters would have had the sense to give him the hardware. What a farce. If someone snapped a picture of Peyton's face on Mars today, you know it would be shedding a tear".

Not all Vol fans are sure, though, that the aliens who constructed the Manning monument had entirely good intentions for the career of the NFL's 1997 top draft pick. "If some superior being knew thousands of years ago that Manning's arm would be touched by God, why didn't those intergalactic supermen do something about that damned Nebraska defense?" argued Oak Ridge resident Lewis Trent. "I think (the face) looks more like Pat Summit".

Other fans claim that these alien artisans had downright sinister motives to torment the Tennessee faithful. "Is there any other explanation for Peyton never getting over that Gator hump?" asked Bettie Hooper of Knoxville. "I saw 'V' back in the 80s . I know what's under that visor."

Viking's unclear 1976
Martian image

Despite their differences, the Volunteer fan base is united in its call for NASA to immediately follow up 1997's historical Pathfinder mission with a Peytonfinder craft to examine the Martian feature. So far, the government space agency hasn't been receptive. "He wasn't even the best quarterback in the SEC last year! With 105,000 fans at each game, you would think they could raise up enough cash to send their own probe," argued NASA official Troy Lipson.

That cold shoulder from NASA hasn't sat well with believers. "They're off spending my tax dollars searching for the meaningless so-called "building blocks of life". In the meantime, we've got aliens out there who put the ESPN Gameday morons in their place when it comes to the great football analysts of the universe," claimed Pryor. "They might have also left a sign of Jamal Lewis's imminent greatness, and it's NASA's responsibility to find it before they vote on the freaking trophy this time. It's obvious that the government is now just covering the Downtown Athletic Club's shameful December mistake."

University officials have been slow to issue a definitive statement on Dr. Shefield's claim. "We can understand and appreciate how clairvoyant beings would want to celebrate this fine young representative of our institution," stated UT spokesman Jeff Tabor. "But seriously - if this were part of some grand master plan, wouldn't he be with the 49ers or something now instead of the Colts?"

NASA's Lipson is resigned to ride this controversy out. "We went through the same thing in 1993 when someone thought they saw Heath Shuler's image in a gasoline spill at a Quiktrip outside of Bristol. Sadly, it's nothing new in this part of the country. Whether it's preseason hopes of a national title, a quarterback worthy of a Heisman Trophy, or this celestial tribute to Manning, the people of eastern Tennessee have a history of seeing things that just aren't there."