You Might Wear Orange If....

You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.

You ever listed fuzzy dice on an insurance claim.

Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.

You list "tick removal" as a skill on your resume.

You use an ironing board as a knick-knack shelf.

You think The Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.

You've ever driven around looking for your porch roof after a bad storm.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your nicest towels say "Property of Motel 6".

You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.

The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You've ever walked through your living room and caught your neck on a clothesline.

Your favorite seafood is hushpuppies.

You consider anything outside the Lower 48 "overseas".

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

The only cordless phone you have is the one your wife ripped out of the wall when she caught you talking to your girlfriend.

You've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.

The blood mobile will not visit your trailer park.

You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your gas attacks.

Your local funeral home is also a U-Haul franchise.

Beer bellies run in your family.

You have season tickets for the tractor pull.

Your favorite kind of wine is strawberry.

Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

Your mama is banned from the front row at wrestling matches.

Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run on down to the dump and see what they left."

You think a "quarter horse" is a ride in front of K-mart.

You've ever beaten somebody up because they had a library card.

You have orange road cones in your living room.

A dating service matches you up with a relative.

You answer all phone calls with, "The check's in the mail."

You've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.

Orkin uses your house as a training site.

Your dentist wanted to exhibit your eyeteeth at a convention.

You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.

You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.

You think a Rhodes Scholar is someone that just finished trucking school.

Your grandmother, mother and wife all have kids the same age.

You made up your social security number.

You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.

You're the only one at your ten-year reunion with grandchildren.

The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet T-shirt contest.