Posted by pisher on September 15, 1998 at 16:56:40 from 206.33.128.68:
Slight format change today, due to Scully's latest interviewee--you'll figure it out.
The Case of the Disgruntled Sidekick
"Agent Scully? Can we talk?"
Special Agent Dana Scully was sitting at her (nonexistent) desk in the X-Files office, and the sound of a (suspiciously young) voice gave her a start. She looked up and saw a blonde headed girl, approximately ten years old, wearing sneakers, bluejeans, and an angry scowl on her sunfreckled face.
"Can I help you Sweetie?", she asked gently, hoping this wasn't going to be another weird interview--her search for a new partner was starting to get on her nerves. "I'm afraid you might be a little young for the job I advertised in Virtual Variety."
The girl colored slightly. "Actually, that was one reason I came," she admitted. "But really, I want to hire you to help me solve a case." She placed a shiny new quarter on Scully's (nonexistent) desk, and seeing that Scully was listening attentively, she began--
"You can call me Sally. I live in a town called Idaville. The Police Chief there is named Brown, and he has a son named Leroy (though nobody calls him that). He runs this little detective agency on the side, and after a little rivalry between us--I like solving mysteries too--we became partners."
The girl paused, her voice darkening slightly as she went on--
"We were supposed to be equals. I was supposed to be just as smart as him. But I ended up just being a foil to him. I ask the questions, he provides the answers. And mostly, he keeps me around as hired muscle. I may not look tough, but I can beat any boy my age into a pulp! If it wasn't for me, Bugs Meany would have screwed this guy's head around backwards a couple of hundred cases ago!"
"Bugs Meany?", Scully interrupted mildly.
"He runs the Tigers this gang that's always stealing stuff and lying about it. And there was Wilford Wiggins, this other kid who was always coming up with schemes to trick people out of their money. Together, we stood against their conspiracies, exposing their lies to the light of truth, and getting the stuff they took back to the little kids they took it from. But now"--there was a sadness in her voice--"now I don't even matter in the stories anymore. I'm just there to appeal to female readers aged 8-13."
"It doesn't sound fair, Sweetie" Scully observed.
"It is so totally unfair, Agent Scully!", Sally hissed through clenched teeth. "I had potential! I made those stories more interesting! I provided competition, dramatic counterpoint, backstory--"
"UST?", asked Scully.
"What's UST?", Sally asked perplexedly.
"Never mind, Sweetie. Go on with your story."
"Like I was saying, I made the stories more interesting. Basically, as I faded into the background, the stories just got boring. A lot of the mysteries didn't even make much sense! I mean, most of them had to do with little things that any respectable police investigation would have turned up! But because his Dad is Police Chief--and dumb as a post, incidentally--my partner gets turned into Sherlock Holmes in sneakers! And I'm just supposed to stand around, come up with the wrong answers, and look on admiringly when he solves the case. And make sure Bugs Meany doesn't do a tap dance on his head. Does any of this make sense to you?"
"It has an oddly familiar ring to it in some ways, actually," Scully observed obliquely. "But Sally, what's the mystery you want me to solve?"
"I want you to help me find out what happened to my partner. He's disappeared."
"Now that DOES sound familiar", Scully said ruefully. "Who are the suspects?"
"Oh, Bugs Meany, Duke Kelly, Wilford Wiggins, Red Slattery. He had a lot of
enemies. One of them must have gotten past me somehow and done him in."
Sally paused as a tall thin man in an expensive suit entered the room from the doorway
where he had been listening.
"She's lying Scully!" Mulder exclaimed! "She's the one responsible for the disappearance of Chief Brown's son, and I can prove it!"
HOW DID MULDER KNOW? (for the answer, scroll down the page)
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Answer to the Case of the Disgruntled Sidekick
"I just knew", Mulder said smugly. "Incidentally, her partner is probably
one of those alien clone-hybrids. Or possibly an android."
"He's right, Agent Scully." Sally admitted tearfully. "I tied him up and hid him in my basement. I saw your ad, and figured it would look good if I acted like I wanted you to find him. I just wanted some attention. I wanted a few stories to be about me! I would have let him out eventually! I swear!"
"You didn't count on me being here, kid" Mulder observed sardonically, "I always save the day."
"Sally, your plan--did it work?", Scully asked thoughtfully.
"What do you mean, Agent Scully?", Sally asked tearfully.
"Did you get more attention? Did you get to solve some cases yourself?"
"Well, it's really too early to tell. I guess I'll never know now" Sally replied.
"Now sweetie, a good scientist always gives her experiment a decent testing period. And it's usually a good idea to let other scientists try your methods and see if they can duplicate your results." Scully looked pointedly at Mulder. She got up and closed the office door.
"What are you looking at me like that for, Scully?," Mulder asked worriedly. "Girls? Why are you coming towards me like that? What are you doing with that--there was a loud "oomph!" followed by a loud thumping noise.
Sally and Agent Scully emerged from the office shortly afterwards, looking well pleased
with themselves.
"Won't he be missed?" Sally asked curiously.
"We'll just say he's been abducted by aliens or something. That should satisfy most of his fans." Scully looked at Sally. "You sure you don't mind putting him up in your attic?"
"It'll be cool! And I bet he and my partner will have lots to talk about! We let them out in a few weeks, right?"
"About seven weeks, give or take a few days." Scully replied pensively. "Your medium has so many advantages, Sally. Now what do you say we crack a case or two while you're here? There's this guy named Krycek you'll just love--sounds a lot like this Bugs Meany character you mention......"
THE END